We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
