Cold hands, warm shart.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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