I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize