He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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