Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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