My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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