so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
