I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
