i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
