This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
