someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I'm both gender and math confused
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
