Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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