I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
