Why does Corona taste like a burp?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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