We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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