Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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