Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
