my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize