ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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