So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
