I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
