Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
