My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
