'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
