I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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