Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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