She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
