sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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