At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
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