So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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