Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
