ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Randomize
