I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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