Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
