can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
