he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
