I faked an abortion last night.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize