C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
