I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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