omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
