Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
