I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
