you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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