Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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