This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
