I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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