This girl is more easily done than said...
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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