All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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