fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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