The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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