I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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