u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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