So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
