I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
