I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
