Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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