I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
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