im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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