Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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